I've tried writing over and over just to push the delete button. The last few months have been full of joys and sorrows both. We are enjoying our time that we have with our foster daughters Big A and Little A. They are a true joy to have around. I just love hearing little giggles and doll strollers being pushed around the house or mommy can you help me put on my dress up clothes. Tears to my eyes and pure joy to my soul. This might not have been the way that we wanted to have children but God had a different plan for that. I am completely out of the realm of having my own little baby ever! I had surgery on May 20th to remove my left tube the only one that I had left. I had to been having pain near my ovaries and I went to the OB and had some scans and such done it turns out that my left tube was swelling. I prayed and prayed about this knowing that having my own babies would never happen unless it was a miracle because I didn't have my right tube that was the only one working. We have been to see the RE had 5 failed pregnancies and a failed IUI. And the only way being IVF to have a baby which wasn't a sure thing  for us anyways.  So after praying and praying about what to do next  I decided to have the only tube I had left removed. After the surgery and recovery my Ob told me that my left tube was damaged and would have never worked anyways. And I'm OK with that...No having my very own baby... It has taken me a very long time to say that out loud and admit that to anyone included myself and my hubby.....Just because you give birth the a baby doesn't make you a mother at least for some people. I thank god for opening my heart for fostering and adoption.  Not only to help me but to help the many children that need us. Well just as much as I need them.  I couldn't imagne life right now without our girls. The sorrows have been that Jeremy lost his Nan. She was a very important lady in his life. About 2 weeks ago we had to make a very hard decision to put our beloved dog Minnie to sleep. She was our baby for a long long time. She gave us 7 years of unconditional love and more than she knew. Also my Meme(grandma) had a heart attack and fell and broke her hip. It's very hard for me to see the strongest lady I know and love going through such a hard time right now. She is so use to doing for others and now she can't. Please pray for her.  So here is to happier times ahead

Things with our foster daughters have been going well. We have had some things that have been well bumpy but we have worked through them. We had a birthday party for Big "A" she turned 7 at the beginning of the month. She loves the little mermaid so that was our theme. Now if you know me at all everything has to match. I went to our local party store they had everything it was great. We didn't tell her anything about what the theme was going to be we put the decorations up and got the cake and even a pinata she was super excited and the balloons we a hit as well. She later told us that she had never had a big party like this before and she cried. I can't wait to do it again next month for Little"A" she and I have the same birthday how cool is that.  No onto other things... I really do not like the month of march.  I just wish it would go right by. Well March 23 I lost our first baby three years ago this year.  And the 22nd was another loss two years ago.  Is it april yet? So ready for some warm weather around here. 

Well remember how I posted that I was starting to get really board because our foster kids were moved right before Christmas. Well about 3 weeks ago we got a call for sisters age 6 and 20 months. They are the sweetest girls I've ever met. The littlest one loves my hubby. and she learned a new word on Superbowl Sunday da da she has a speech delay do to a cleft palet that wasn't corrected as an infant, but corrected this past summer. We are having so much fun with them. I can never get tired of hearing mama, mama, mama and the giggling and the dress up tea parties and just being needed.  

So much to blog about and just haven't had the time or the energy to do so. So much has gone on since I've blogged here last which was October. I don't know if I have mentioned or talked about the changes that we were going through here. Jeremy and I decided to become foster parents. We had to take classes and trainings and such, have a home study done. If you have never had a home study done they look at everything in your home it's like a total inspection plus. Anyways we passed with flying colors. We got the room ready. I got a set of bunk beds and matching bedding set up. About 3 days after we got our first call about getting a boy he was 4. We were excited but he only stayed with us for 4 days it just didn't work for us he had major issues with his temper ect. Plus I was recovering from losing our fifth baby during this time as well.  So I was so happy to have someone to take care, we also had Jeremy's gram living with us she goes to Arizona after Christmas. About 8 days after our first child went to another home I got a call while our shopping at the craft store. This call changed us for the next 7 weeks in a great way. We got 2 girls ages 4&7 and a little boy age 3. This was the most challenging and wonderful time that we have ever experienced in our life. I finally got to hear someone call me mommy. It was wonderful. Our family was complete for the time being. Going from just the two of us and our two dogs was an adjustment but we handled it well. My hubby even changed diapers  which was something that he had never done before and he was a great dad and help.  We played games, watched kid friendly movies(which we did anyways) cartoons, went to the playground took them to church. A first for us was taking them to see Santa it was the best to see them light up going to the mall and doing something that they weren't use to. We loved them all. I loved being needed.  I got my first two homemade Christmas ornaments it was great and made me cry.  But on the Friday before Christmas the county that they were from decided to move them we were crushed and our family was gone our holiday was ruined.  So it's been almost three weeks and it's just so quiet in the house with no little giggles and toys and can you read us a book or can we go play in the snow. I miss being needed I miss mommy can I have this or that. I just miss them. I'm hoping that we get another placement soon.  I'm so board. Our adoption fund is going slow and I wish that it would go faster I just want to be someones mom and I want to see my hubby smile and act like a kid again it was great. Please say a prayer or two for us

I had an appointment with our RE yesterday...I had an HSG done about 3 weeks ago. That was one of the most painful things I've ever had to go through.  If you have never had one done it to see if your tube or tubes are blocked.  In my case I had my one and only working tube removed in July when I had another eptopic  and emergency surgery for it.  So the result were what I feared. My left tube is blocked and attached to my body weird.  So my RE the only way that we could have our own baby would be IVF.  This makes me sad.  First off we really don't have the money to do this.  I would love to but its still not a guarantee that it would work anyways. After going through losing four babies already it's just something that I really don't think that I could do it again.   So we are focusing on our adoption fund and we are now finished with our trainings for the foster to adopt program.  But somehow I still feel like I'm useless. Like I'm holding my husband back from things that he now wants and things that he could be doing in his life.

So it's been a while since I've posted anything I have been a little busy. First off Jeremy's gram hasn't been doing so well with her health she has been in the hospital two times in the last two months. She was staying alone at her house which isn't a good thing because she doesn't care very good care of herself. So she has been staying with us. At times it can be hard she will be 92 in Nov and she is very independant but she has to remember that she can't do all the things that she use to, they took her drivers license away and she is very upset about it she says that now she can't do anything and is a burden to everyone. I tried to explain that we love her and I do not work every day and really don't mind taking her anywhere that she needs or wants to go. Grandma went to spend time with her daughter near Harrisburg last week. She is have fun which is good. I have talked about Jeremy and I possible doing foster care/foster to adopt in a post or two before. We sent in the start of the paper work to do that. It's exciting and scary at the same time. We are still doing fundraising for our infant adoption fund. It so encouraging to know that so many people are willing to help you out even if the do not know you. We have received several donations in the last month and got another one today. We still have a long way to go but it will be so worth it in the end. If you are interested in donating to our fund and want to share our facebook page its: Hauger's Bundle of Joy adoption fundraising all of our information is there.

I just wanted to update everyone. Since I went to get blood work on Saturday to see if the methotraxe shot was working. Instead of my levels going down they went up well in fact they doubled. Which they shouldn't be doing. I was also have some pain. So in the afternoon the doctor had called me to see how I was feeling etc. She told me if the pain got any worse to go to the hospital. SO I had been up all night with pain I finally decided to let Jeremy take me to the hospital. So we went to Magee and I more blood work and another ultra sound. The baby was getting bigger and if I didn't come in when I did my tube could have burst. So I had emergency surgery and they had to remove my only working tube that I have. I'm angry, sad, and allot more just not in the mood to explain more. I just can't put my head around this whole thing. Why me all I want is to be a mommy. I know the adoption funding is slow right now but I know it will happen just not as fast as I want it to.