The little reminders

 

It's the little reminders that keep me sane somedays. I was weeding my flowerbed and saw this. 

Beach trip

Well we went to the beach and had a great time. We went with my brother and sister-in-law and my nephew. We had a blast. Until it was that I realized that I missed my babies. Spending all the time with my nephew for a week straight all day and all night listening to him say Nannie or my nannie that's what he calls me. I think its so sweet.  But when I was with him all week people kept say oh your baby is so beautiful but I had to keep saying thanks be he is my nephew.  This morning it was different waking up and not hearing Nannie up.  But it made think...What if?  I so badly want to here mommy. But that isn't in my cards at the moment. I get my surgery in 8 days hope this works for us.  I need this to work so badly. Enjoy the photos I have shared. Will update again soon:)

So it's 25 days until the surgery. I'm so excited and scared at the same time.  This is going to change alot this could be good or bad. I'm trying to stay positive  but sometimes that is hard for me to do.  Maybe I'll get some relaxation and some peaceful thinking next week when we go to the beach. The beach is one of my favorite places to be. You really don't have to think there you can just basically  be there. I have recently be see 3 little butterflies outside around my lilies almost everyday. This give me some peace as strange as that sounds.

So I think I've been in a funk of late.  Last night was the kicker for me. I had a horrible dream but it was so real. So we were having a coming home party for our baby. But when we get there I look at the baby and she is dead. This dream was so real I woke up in tears and I was shaking and thought I was going to throw up. I've never had this dream before.  I really don't know what this means. I'm looking so forward to this surgery but now I'm just so scared. What if this is a sign that things aren't going to work out? I really don't know if I can put myself through that again. But this is something that I really want. I've always played with dolls and was a mommy to them. I want to be a mommy so bad.  What if this is not possible.  Then what? My hubby says that it's fine if this is something that we can't do but I'm not so sure. Have you ever wanted something so bad and it's just not happening? That is what I feel right now. I'm stressed, sad and beside myself. I think my faith is being tested. I know that god doesn't give you more that you can handle but I think I'm at my breaking point.

My hubby has been away for a training for his job since Sunday he won't be back until this coming Sunday.  I really miss him alot. I'm not use to being alone for this long.  So I've been spending the time that he is gone with my brother, sister-in-law and my nephew. I love spending time them but it gets me thinking what would my babies be doing right now? Who would they look like mommy or daddy? Would they like playing in the sand with their cousin or in the pool with him? It's been 15 months today since baby H has been gone...baby hauger has been gone for 10 months and 10 days. and Lucy has been gone for 3 months and 1 day.  I miss you all so much.  I wish that things could have gone different.  I'm hoping and praying that this surgery is going to help us.  I want to be a mommy.  I want to feel less broken..less useless..

I have so many things to write about today. Where do I begin.  Well we had our RE appointment on June 8. So I'm getting surgery on my uterus to reshape it and remove my vaginal septum. This will take place on Aug 2.  My doctor thinks that this will help us stay pregnant. I will also have to take a medicine to help with the FSH level if I test high again.  This is music to my ears. I'm super excited and scared all at the same time.  And then our journey to parenthood can hopefully begin.  Fingers crossed.  I had planted a Lilly for our babies( Baby H, Baby Hauger and Lucy) that we have lost. I was excited to see that it finally started to bloom this week.  This was so beautiful.  So some good news for me. I finally get my dad back. My mom left again(yes!!!!!) sorry if that hurts anyone's feelings. But that's how I feel. I'm going to see him tonight for the first time since last August.  I have all these feelings going on right now. 

Finally some positive answers

Yesterday was my appointment with the RE.  Well I'm going to have my septum removed and possible my uterus reshaped if he can. YAY!! Finally someone who is listening to me and wants to help us. So August 2nd is the day. Only if that day could get here sooner.  If my FSH level is still up the RE will give me a pill to take to correct it. So hopefully this is one step closer to me becoming a mommy and building our family. God is great. All of the other tests that we had done all came back normal so that's plus too. Finally so room to breathe for the time being. 

What If?

I have so many feelings right now.  Our appointment with the RE is tomorrow.  I keep thinking what is the doctor going to say? What if he says I'm sorry I can't help you? What if he says your not going to be able to be a mommy? I keep thinking and thinking and it's driving crazy. The what if's? To some people a what if doesn't bother them. THIS is really bothering me. And all I've been seeing lately are pregnant women and babies and families everywhere.  I'm really happy for all of my friends that are pregnant please don't take that the wrong way I really am happy. I WANT that. I mean more than I've ever wanted anything in my whole life. I think stress and I really don't get along.  When I'm stressed I cry. That's all I've been doing these last few days. God please give me the strength. Please help me get through the next day and get through what the RE is going to say. This is going to change our lives whatever he has to tell us.

Tonight my baby sister graduates high school.  I'm so very proud of her for the strong, wonderful, beautiful young woman that she has grown up to be. I love her more than she will know. I had written about dreading going to her graduation because of all the drama..Well I'm very stressed about going but I know that I have to go because it's her day it's not about me or anyone else. I'm not looking foward to seeing my so called "mother" sorry if that offends anyone. but she was never a real mother to any of us.  And some of things that she was saying to my sister  today is really uncalled for. I mean how could someone be so rude and demeaning to your own child. I feel so bad for my sister she doesn't need any of the drama.  I basically raise her and I told her lastnight if she is the only child that I "have" I'm so very proud of her. I'm really gonna need the tissues tonight.   I'm also stressing because our next RE appointment is coming up and I'm scared of what he is going to tell us. Please keep praying.

Rambling and Rambling I need to just vent about alot on my mind

Lately I've been feeling down. I'm not sure if it's because I miss my babies so much or this all this rain. Well I still don't have any of the results from the test that they have been doing. We have to wait until June for that and that is very frustrating I wish it was here already.  Since finding out that my FSH level is high I've been worried about what else could be wrong.  On a lighter note my hubby and I went on a day trip to Washington DC this past Wednesday we had to pick up his grandma from the airport so we decided to make a day out of it just some "us" time.  The day was so much fun spending time together just walking around going to museums, riding the METRO for the first time that was a an experience.  We went to the butterfly garden that the city has at first all we saw was plant that attract butterflies we walk about 1/2 a mile and didn't see anything I was starting to think that we weren't going to see one.  And the out of the blue there was one see photo above. This is the first one I've see so far this year. I know that my babies are here with me. I've been working alot to try to detract myself from all the emotional stuff going on with me but it has been working and not working I think I've been getting more stressed out hopefully when June rolls around I will be less stressed. Keep your fingers crossed.  I've also been thinking about getting another tattoo. This time I think I want to get the pink and blue ribbon for pregnancy and infant loss fitting I think? My baby sister is graduation from high school that makes me sad to see her growing up I still see her as the little girl with the pigtails in her hair and the barney nightgown watching blue's clues. I'm so proud of the young beautiful woman that she has grown into. Her graduation is going to be very stressful for my brother and I see we don't talk to our mother at all she cheated on our father for over a year with multiple people, and moved in with a guy,  and then left my sister and my dad and then played head games with him.  Needless to say my dad chose to take her back after all the things that she did.  Well no that we told her that we want nothing to do with her at all ever, now our dad doesn't talk to us either. I mean this is very upsetting because after she left we were the ones who made sure he ate, taught him how to pay his bills etc. I miss my dad alot I really wish that he could open his eyes to what is going on around him I mean she is still cheating to this day she has been seen but what can we say she just denies it and he believes her. I pray that one day he wises up before it's to late. Anyways they will be at graduation I really want to just run up to my dad and hug him and tell him I love him but I can't. I miss him alot more than alot. Enough Rambling!

SHANNON

I have more tests that need to be done. Which is sometimes overwhelming. Why can't things just be simple. I've been praying and praying that something can help us.  I'm planning a special surprise for my hubby for his birthday which is in June. Tonight is when part one will happen. I'm so excited to get this project done.  So this gets my mine off of our problems for a while.  We are also going to spend the day in Washington DC tomorrow just touring around and sightseeing.  Jeremy has never been there before so it's going to be a nice day just the two of us. Then we have to pick up his grandma at the BWI airport she spends her winters in Arizona with her daughter. We will be so glad to see her.  Plus I have entered a photo contest. If I win I get a free photo shoot. Yay I hope I win. We have 22 days until we see the RE I'm so nervous about this. Please continue to pray.

Some answers

Well I wrote in about going to the RE on Sunday May 1 for blood work. Well I got a call from the nurse yesterday. I instantly got a sinking feeling and started to cry as I was sitting in the grocery store parking lot.  She said that my FSH levels were very elevated they like to see them under 10 and mine are 15. I asked if there is any treatment for this. She said that the doctor wants me to repeat the cycle day 3 blood work again with my next cycle and we are to resume with the other testing to.  The nurse told me that there is medication that I could take if the test levels are high again.  Well I'm still broken sometimes its better not knowing until everything comes back. Now I'm going to worry until June when we see the doctor again. It also makes me think if this test came back with bad results what else is wrong with me? Praying and Praying is all I can do.  On the bright side I received the gift bag from Megan and it was all so sweet and thoughtful. Plus I got my mother's day bouquet from the swap too.

A Poem to share with you

I found this poem on a website that someone had shared I thought it was so fitting I would share it as well. 

To the Child in My Heart
O precious, tiny, sweet little one
 You will always be to me
O perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone... but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.

I miss you all so very much I will never forget you.

The cycle arrives

 Well my cycle had decided to come back. YES I'm glad it's back but sad because it reminds me that my baby is gone. I went for more blood work and an ultrasound  yesterday yes I know it was Sunday but the RE wanted me do have it done on cycle day 3.  Well we had to be there at 815am which meant that we had to get up at 500 ugh I was so tired. So I get there and I had to wait for like 10 mins which wasn't bad, I went back to the lab and they start to find a vein. Well let me tell you I have very small veins to begin with and I'm a really hard stick. So they put the band around my arm and I had to squeeze the fish they gave me well my right arm they couldn't get anything so the band went on the left arm. Well they got 2 tubes and then the vein blew ugh, so back to the right arm not even a tube came out and it quit drip, drip that was all. So they stuck my left hand and drip, drip, nothing so I have a huge bruise on my hand and it hurts and my left and right arm are bruised to so now I have to go to my lab and get the rest of the blood work done. Which means hopefully Friday if I'm healed by then I can go.  The ultrasound was even worse I mean it's bad enough to get an internal when your not on your cycle...The tech was so rough I mean I've never had so much pressure and pain in my life after one of those. I hurt for the rest of the day. So I have to go back again on May 9th and have some more testing done. Wish us luck.

Easter without you(all 3 of you)

First of all thank you Jesus for everything<3...Easter was full of family and friends and food.  I went to my brothers for the egg hunt that they had for my nephew and the neighbor kids. Whatching all of the babies and kids run around and get so excited to see all the eggs and candy. This was almost more than I could handle. I'm missing all of you so much that it hurts my heart and sometimes i can't breathe. I can only image what mothers day is gong to be this year last year was bad enough but now that more of you are gone its worse.  I hope I can make it through.

So many feelings

It's been a while since I've logged on here. I've been through so many feelings in the last couple weeks. Our appointment with the RE went well even he said that I'm emotional well WHO wouldn't be after everything that I've been through. He even asked me if I was suicidal which I'm totally not. I'm just really frustrated and sadden by this whole thing that I'M going through in my life. I mean come on I've lost 3 babies in the last year. Who wouldn't be emotional.  Wouldn't you? Our new RE is sending us for testing which is great because the last person we saw didn't want to do anything. I have to go and get blood work lots of blood work. On Monday of last week I had some done well 15 tubes to be exact. Then on Wednesday I had to have a 2 hour glucose tolerance test and more blood work. Let me say that test sucks. I had 13 tubes drawn then too. I feel like a pincushion. But its OK if he can figure out whats going on with me.  I also have to have some more blood work done and ultrasounds when my cycle starts again.  My hubby also needs to have some blood work done and "another" test to check certain things with him as well.  After all the testing is done we are seeing the RE again to go over all the test. I really hope that what is wrong is an easy fix. I have uterine didelphys which means that I have 2 uterus and 2 cervix and a vaginal septum which could be causing the problem.  This could be causing the problem too so that is being looked into. We have also filled out a lot of the paperwork for the adoption process that we are looking into as an option. I turned 29 last Thursday ugh. I had this plan I would be married by 23 and have my first baby by 25.... well that plan didn't work out but that wasn't god plan it was my plan. I know that he only give me what I can handle. Please pray for us that we get some answers and can start our family soon <3

The Next Big Step

I've been so emotional in the last few weeks.  I finally got my results back from the Mayo Clinic from our baby. The problem again this time was chromosomes that didn't mesh well with each other. So I'm wondering if this is going to be an ongoing thing with us? I pray everyday that is doesn't happen again. We have taken some big steps in the last 2 weeks since losing another baby. OH I almost forgot I'm not sure what the sex of this recent baby was but I had a feeling it was a girl so I named for Lucy. Getting back to the big steps that we are taking...We are scheduled to see a new Reproductive endocrinologist tomorrow morning. I'm very nervous about this. What is he going to tell us? Can he help us have our baby that we get to keep.  Will this be an easy fix? I have so many things running through my head that it feels like its going to bust. Also we have begun filling out paperwork to adopt a child. There is so much that they want to know about us our families ect. ect. It's all so overwhelming. But I know that God will help us through this process. If this is what it takes to be a mommy I'll do it.  I got a call from my cousin last night well she is more like my sister. But anyways she told me that she is willing to be a surrogate or an egg donor if we need to take that step. That is such a wonderful gift to give someone. How do you thank someone enough for doing such a great deed. I just hope that one day I could repay her for this if need be. I have such great family and friends some old friend and some wonderful new friends that are so supportive and I thank you all for that and love you all so much. So keep us in your prayers for tomorrow's appointment. I'll post again tomorrow about what we find out and what our next steps will be.

WHY ME....AGAIN

It's been a while since I posted but I needed sometime to process my thoughts. Well where do I start? I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant again. WHY? because I didn't want to hurt any one's feelings or want to hurt myself I guess. I found out I was pregnant on my nephew's first birthday on February 23, 2010.  I was excited and so scared at the same time. We decided not to tell anyone this time because of the "what if" something happens again.  Well everything was going great until about 5 week I had some spotting but it went away. Went to the Ob and yep we were expecting again November 3, 2011 was our due date. Well I went in 2 weeks later for my first ultrasound, well there was no heartbeat uggh again why me? So I had to have another D&C on march 22, 2011. I lost our first baby on March 23, 2010 and our second on Aug 13, 2010.  All I want to be is a mommy. All I want is my baby. IS that to much to ask for? My ob has sent our"baby" to the mayo clinic for testing.  I have a condition that is called Uterine Didelphys which means I have two uterus, two cervix and a septum that seperates them. I'm really not sure if this is what is causing my problems or not. I'm to see a specialist after we get the results which I have to wait another week. Can I wait another week? If it's not possible for me to have my own baby we don't have the money to adopt or a surrogate. So where does that leave us? Babyless? I feel so helpless and useless. I'm scared of the unknown I want a baby so bad what if this is not possible for us? I'm the one who is broken,not my husband. We dont' have the problem of getting pregnant it's staying pregnant. How do you fix that? Is it fixable. I've been praying and praying is God listening to me can he help? I hope so. My faith has been tried and tried and so have I. Can I do this again? Will it happen again losing another baby can we do that again. I've been reading a book recommended by a good new  friend of mine and you know who you are thanks for the support. anyways the book is "Answers in a time of miscarriage" this book is very informative.  Where do I go from here?

"rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."-Rom 12:15

Happy Birthday to my nephew but a trying day

One year ago on February 23, 2010 my nephew was born. He was perfect in every way. I love him more than anything. This past Saturday we had a party for him it was a great celebration with cake, balloons, food, and lots of presents.  Don't get me wrong I love my nephew with all of my heart and would do anything for him.  All I keep thinking is I should have a perfect almost 5 month old baby to see touch, smell and hold.  But God had other plans for that baby. Which wasn't always ok with me. I have come to relize that he had a greater plan. This wasn't very easy for me to take or what I wanted I wanted my baby. But I'm looking forward to what god holds for my husband and I.  He is in control and I'm ok with that.  So celebrating  life is wonderful I just hope I get the chance to get to experince that feeling again with my own baby or babies someday. I know all I have to do is have faith and everything will be ok.

I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

 

Love is in the Air

Some call Valentines day a comerical holiday. That's not what I call it. Valentines day is an extra special day to show the one you love just how much they mean to you.  Jeremy got me a card, took me to dinner and got me flowers. He didn't have to do this and I didn't have to get him anything either just I did.   

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.-

1 Corinthians 13:4-7