WHY ME....AGAIN

It's been a while since I posted but I needed sometime to process my thoughts. Well where do I start? I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant again. WHY? because I didn't want to hurt any one's feelings or want to hurt myself I guess. I found out I was pregnant on my nephew's first birthday on February 23, 2010.  I was excited and so scared at the same time. We decided not to tell anyone this time because of the "what if" something happens again.  Well everything was going great until about 5 week I had some spotting but it went away. Went to the Ob and yep we were expecting again November 3, 2011 was our due date. Well I went in 2 weeks later for my first ultrasound, well there was no heartbeat uggh again why me? So I had to have another D&C on march 22, 2011. I lost our first baby on March 23, 2010 and our second on Aug 13, 2010.  All I want to be is a mommy. All I want is my baby. IS that to much to ask for? My ob has sent our"baby" to the mayo clinic for testing.  I have a condition that is called Uterine Didelphys which means I have two uterus, two cervix and a septum that seperates them. I'm really not sure if this is what is causing my problems or not. I'm to see a specialist after we get the results which I have to wait another week. Can I wait another week? If it's not possible for me to have my own baby we don't have the money to adopt or a surrogate. So where does that leave us? Babyless? I feel so helpless and useless. I'm scared of the unknown I want a baby so bad what if this is not possible for us? I'm the one who is broken,not my husband. We dont' have the problem of getting pregnant it's staying pregnant. How do you fix that? Is it fixable. I've been praying and praying is God listening to me can he help? I hope so. My faith has been tried and tried and so have I. Can I do this again? Will it happen again losing another baby can we do that again. I've been reading a book recommended by a good new  friend of mine and you know who you are thanks for the support. anyways the book is "Answers in a time of miscarriage" this book is very informative.  Where do I go from here?

"rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."-Rom 12:15

Happy Birthday to my nephew but a trying day

One year ago on February 23, 2010 my nephew was born. He was perfect in every way. I love him more than anything. This past Saturday we had a party for him it was a great celebration with cake, balloons, food, and lots of presents.  Don't get me wrong I love my nephew with all of my heart and would do anything for him.  All I keep thinking is I should have a perfect almost 5 month old baby to see touch, smell and hold.  But God had other plans for that baby. Which wasn't always ok with me. I have come to relize that he had a greater plan. This wasn't very easy for me to take or what I wanted I wanted my baby. But I'm looking forward to what god holds for my husband and I.  He is in control and I'm ok with that.  So celebrating  life is wonderful I just hope I get the chance to get to experince that feeling again with my own baby or babies someday. I know all I have to do is have faith and everything will be ok.

I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

 

Love is in the Air

Some call Valentines day a comerical holiday. That's not what I call it. Valentines day is an extra special day to show the one you love just how much they mean to you.  Jeremy got me a card, took me to dinner and got me flowers. He didn't have to do this and I didn't have to get him anything either just I did.   

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.-

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Finally putting it all out there

My husband I got pregnant in January of 2010.  This was a surprise to both of us I actually took 4 test because I didn't believe the first one. But I'm sure that all of us women do that. We were totally excited we found out that we would expect our little bundle of joy on 10/10/10. Triple digits we thought that this was special.  But we had some problem at about 5 weeks I had some bleeding so we went to the ER they told us that we were having a miscarriage I was totally a mess I could believe that this was happening.  We had an ultrasound and the tech was totally rough and mean but all she said was I don't see anything. So we were told to get blood work in 2 day to see if my HCG levels were going up. And they were.  Which was a good thing.  So it was fine and then again at 6 weeks I had some more bleeding and were told again that things were not great. This was valentines day weekend and we were going away for the weekend. I didn't want to go but we went anyways. We were told to come back to the OB on Monday for another ultrasound and more blood work. So we went to get the blood work done and then we went to get the ultrasound and the regular tech I see at my Ob says that's interesting and my husband looks at the screen and say that wasn't there before and at this point I was getting really nervous so I kept saying what? And the tech say well there is your baby and the heartbeat @ 7 weeks and 3 days. I was so happy I just cried and cried. So I was scheduled for my next appointment in 4 weeks. But in the meantime I had some spotting and I thought it was from lifting a laundry basket and twisting funny so I called the doctor and they wanted me to come in and I did. This time it wasn't good our baby's heart had stopped, do to a hole in the heart.   I was a total mess. I couldn't believe that this was happening again.  So @ 11 weeks and 2 day my baby was gone. 3/23/10 "Baby H".   I had a D&C that was the most terrible experience for me just knowing that my baby was gone.  So after my recovery I asked when we could try again they said to wait 3 months for my body to heal. We went on vacation in  July like we always do for our anniversary. And surprise we were pregnant again. Which I didn't think was possible because I had what I thought was my period while on vacation. Well I had some cramping and went to the Er and my levels weren't where they were to be so this baby was an ectopic pregnancy lost this baby( @8 weeks Baby Hauger). Again I kept saying why is this happening to me. I was given the methotraxte shot. I also just lost another baby "Lucy" on 3/22/11 @7.5 weeks.  So here we are again trying to get through life. I've come to realize that everything happens for a reason.  We are at the point where we are trying again and waiting on God's blessing.