Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rambling and Rambling I need to just vent about alot on my mind

Lately I've been feeling down. I'm not sure if it's because I miss my babies so much or this all this rain. Well I still don't have any of the results from the test that they have been doing. We have to wait until June for that and that is very frustrating I wish it was here already.  Since finding out that my FSH level is high I've been worried about what else could be wrong.  On a lighter note my hubby and I went on a day trip to Washington DC this past Wednesday we had to pick up his grandma from the airport so we decided to make a day out of it just some "us" time.  The day was so much fun spending time together just walking around going to museums, riding the METRO for the first time that was a an experience.  We went to the butterfly garden that the city has at first all we saw was plant that attract butterflies we walk about 1/2 a mile and didn't see anything I was starting to think that we weren't going to see one.  And the out of the blue there was one see photo above. This is the first one I've see so far this year. I know that my babies are here with me. I've been working alot to try to detract myself from all the emotional stuff going on with me but it has been working and not working I think I've been getting more stressed out hopefully when June rolls around I will be less stressed. Keep your fingers crossed.  I've also been thinking about getting another tattoo. This time I think I want to get the pink and blue ribbon for pregnancy and infant loss fitting I think? My baby sister is graduation from high school that makes me sad to see her growing up I still see her as the little girl with the pigtails in her hair and the barney nightgown watching blue's clues. I'm so proud of the young beautiful woman that she has grown into. Her graduation is going to be very stressful for my brother and I see we don't talk to our mother at all she cheated on our father for over a year with multiple people, and moved in with a guy,  and then left my sister and my dad and then played head games with him.  Needless to say my dad chose to take her back after all the things that she did.  Well no that we told her that we want nothing to do with her at all ever, now our dad doesn't talk to us either. I mean this is very upsetting because after she left we were the ones who made sure he ate, taught him how to pay his bills etc. I miss my dad alot I really wish that he could open his eyes to what is going on around him I mean she is still cheating to this day she has been seen but what can we say she just denies it and he believes her. I pray that one day he wises up before it's to late. Anyways they will be at graduation I really want to just run up to my dad and hug him and tell him I love him but I can't. I miss him alot more than alot. Enough Rambling!


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I have more tests that need to be done. Which is sometimes overwhelming. Why can't things just be simple. I've been praying and praying that something can help us.  I'm planning a special surprise for my hubby for his birthday which is in June. Tonight is when part one will happen. I'm so excited to get this project done.  So this gets my mine off of our problems for a while.  We are also going to spend the day in Washington DC tomorrow just touring around and sightseeing.  Jeremy has never been there before so it's going to be a nice day just the two of us. Then we have to pick up his grandma at the BWI airport she spends her winters in Arizona with her daughter. We will be so glad to see her.  Plus I have entered a photo contest. If I win I get a free photo shoot. Yay I hope I win. We have 22 days until we see the RE I'm so nervous about this. Please continue to pray.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Some answers

Well I wrote in about going to the RE on Sunday May 1 for blood work. Well I got a call from the nurse yesterday. I instantly got a sinking feeling and started to cry as I was sitting in the grocery store parking lot.  She said that my FSH levels were very elevated they like to see them under 10 and mine are 15. I asked if there is any treatment for this. She said that the doctor wants me to repeat the cycle day 3 blood work again with my next cycle and we are to resume with the other testing to.  The nurse told me that there is medication that I could take if the test levels are high again.  Well I'm still broken sometimes its better not knowing until everything comes back. Now I'm going to worry until June when we see the doctor again. It also makes me think if this test came back with bad results what else is wrong with me? Praying and Praying is all I can do.  On the bright side I received the gift bag from Megan and it was all so sweet and thoughtful. Plus I got my mother's day bouquet from the swap too.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A Poem to share with you

I found this poem on a website that someone had shared I thought it was so fitting I would share it as well. 

To the Child in My Heart
O precious, tiny, sweet little one
 You will always be to me
O perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone... but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.

I miss you all so very much I will never forget you.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The cycle arrives

 Well my cycle had decided to come back. YES I'm glad it's back but sad because it reminds me that my baby is gone. I went for more blood work and an ultrasound  yesterday yes I know it was Sunday but the RE wanted me do have it done on cycle day 3.  Well we had to be there at 815am which meant that we had to get up at 500 ugh I was so tired. So I get there and I had to wait for like 10 mins which wasn't bad, I went back to the lab and they start to find a vein. Well let me tell you I have very small veins to begin with and I'm a really hard stick. So they put the band around my arm and I had to squeeze the fish they gave me well my right arm they couldn't get anything so the band went on the left arm. Well they got 2 tubes and then the vein blew ugh, so back to the right arm not even a tube came out and it quit drip, drip that was all. So they stuck my left hand and drip, drip, nothing so I have a huge bruise on my hand and it hurts and my left and right arm are bruised to so now I have to go to my lab and get the rest of the blood work done. Which means hopefully Friday if I'm healed by then I can go.  The ultrasound was even worse I mean it's bad enough to get an internal when your not on your cycle...The tech was so rough I mean I've never had so much pressure and pain in my life after one of those. I hurt for the rest of the day. So I have to go back again on May 9th and have some more testing done. Wish us luck.