Christmas was very wonderful this year.  I was sad but I did a very good job at hiding it. I enjoyed my time with my family and my hubby and his family.   Here are some photos from the holiday Enjoy

My nephew Lil Eddie

Lil Eddie and Aunt Nannie

My sister April and I

Opening presents

And more presents

He got a ride one backhoe

My hubby Jeremy, Me and Dianna jeremy's sister

ME, my (MIL) Jane, and Dianna

Jeremy and his mom and sister

I heart us

I got a Green Bay packer cancer awareness scrub top

I'm slowing finding that I'm not alone in this whole grieving process.  I'm slowing learning that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be angry. I'm looking forward to a new year that hopefully holds some possibilities for Jeremy and I.  I wanted to write about something that really has me really upset. Tmz has called the Duggar baby photos a fetal corps. That is just wrong to me a baby is a baby no matter if the baby is 4 weeks or full term. I feel so bad for the Duggar's. Yes when I first found out that they were having another baby I was like they already have 19. And I can't even seem to have one.  But a lose of a baby at any stage of development is terrible. The organization NILMDTS(Now I lay me down to sleep) I think is a wonderful thing. I have saw so many wonderful photo's of babies that are just plain beautiful.  What the photographers due for the families is give them a lasting memory of their perfect baby. That is something that a family should not be ashamed of or have to hide. If I could have used them I totally would have done that. But I never made it that far with any of my pregnancies.

Fire

I can't believe that it's been 6 years already.  Jeremy and I were going to a friend of his funeral viewing. He was young. We got ready and stoked the fire and left. We werent' even gone a total of 45 mins. While we were gone the furnace to way to hot and kept call for more heat the damper got stuck open.  A fire had flashed through the whole finished basement of the house. The fire was almost out, that is until we came home and opened the door and that gave oxygen to the fire and it took off.  Jeremy called 911 and said our home is on fire... and we only live about 2 blocks from the fire department here. The lady from 911 asked him are you sure your house is on fire. Duh how many people call just to say oh my house is on fire. Well all the questioning from the 911 lady took forever and by the time that the fire department got here we had flames coming out of the roof. I tired to get in the back door to get Charlie I could hear his collar jingling and I couldn't see him I tried to make it to him but every time I would go in someone would pull me out. Our neighbor tried to get him as well he is a firefighter but the heat was to much.  So we lost our home and our puppy and everything that we owned.  We spent the next month in a hotel. And the next 6 months in an apartment.  Until our home was built again. Some days it seems just like yesterday.  But on Christmas I got Ollie from my parents and Charlie and Ollie have the same parents and look alike.    I'll share some of my favorite photos of Charlie. 

First day we got Charlie

So small

This is my favorite photo of Charlie

Our last photo before our fire.

I feel like I'm a bench warmer. You know like one on a high school team that doesn't get to play much they just sit and watch everyone else "play".  That exactly how I feel in this journey of TTCing. I feel like I'm watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies.  I want it to be my turn. I know that is selfish to some people but that's how I feel.  I'm out again this month I got my period again this month 3 days early it was early last month too. Well I knew that we werent' pregnant this month beacuse we hadn't really tired.  But I still get so darn upset and discouraged when it shows up.  If you are trying to get pregnant you know how that feels.  I have all the christmas decorations and the tree up but I'm not sure I'm in the christmas spirit. All I want"wanted" for christmas, valentines day, easter, my upcoming 30th birthday is to be pregnant and have a baby.  But on the other hand my sister and I made ornaments with pictures on the inside she also helped me make a fleece blanket.  I also wanted to share some of our Christmas photos we had taken this year.  Hope you enjoy

Jeremy and I this is my favorite

Our little Family with Ollie and Minnie

Family Photo(L-R) (Amanda, Lil Eddie, Eddie, April, Me and Jeremy)

Lil Eddie

Lil Eddie and Minnie

My brother and his family(Amand, Eddie, and Lil Eddie)