Christmas was very wonderful this year.  I was sad but I did a very good job at hiding it. I enjoyed my time with my family and my hubby and his family.   Here are some photos from the holiday Enjoy

My nephew Lil Eddie

Lil Eddie and Aunt Nannie

My sister April and I

Opening presents

And more presents

He got a ride one backhoe

My hubby Jeremy, Me and Dianna jeremy's sister

ME, my (MIL) Jane, and Dianna

Jeremy and his mom and sister

I heart us

I got a Green Bay packer cancer awareness scrub top

I'm slowing finding that I'm not alone in this whole grieving process.  I'm slowing learning that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be angry. I'm looking forward to a new year that hopefully holds some possibilities for Jeremy and I.  I wanted to write about something that really has me really upset. Tmz has called the Duggar baby photos a fetal corps. That is just wrong to me a baby is a baby no matter if the baby is 4 weeks or full term. I feel so bad for the Duggar's. Yes when I first found out that they were having another baby I was like they already have 19. And I can't even seem to have one.  But a lose of a baby at any stage of development is terrible. The organization NILMDTS(Now I lay me down to sleep) I think is a wonderful thing. I have saw so many wonderful photo's of babies that are just plain beautiful.  What the photographers due for the families is give them a lasting memory of their perfect baby. That is something that a family should not be ashamed of or have to hide. If I could have used them I totally would have done that. But I never made it that far with any of my pregnancies.

Fire

I can't believe that it's been 6 years already.  Jeremy and I were going to a friend of his funeral viewing. He was young. We got ready and stoked the fire and left. We werent' even gone a total of 45 mins. While we were gone the furnace to way to hot and kept call for more heat the damper got stuck open.  A fire had flashed through the whole finished basement of the house. The fire was almost out, that is until we came home and opened the door and that gave oxygen to the fire and it took off.  Jeremy called 911 and said our home is on fire... and we only live about 2 blocks from the fire department here. The lady from 911 asked him are you sure your house is on fire. Duh how many people call just to say oh my house is on fire. Well all the questioning from the 911 lady took forever and by the time that the fire department got here we had flames coming out of the roof. I tired to get in the back door to get Charlie I could hear his collar jingling and I couldn't see him I tried to make it to him but every time I would go in someone would pull me out. Our neighbor tried to get him as well he is a firefighter but the heat was to much.  So we lost our home and our puppy and everything that we owned.  We spent the next month in a hotel. And the next 6 months in an apartment.  Until our home was built again. Some days it seems just like yesterday.  But on Christmas I got Ollie from my parents and Charlie and Ollie have the same parents and look alike.    I'll share some of my favorite photos of Charlie. 

First day we got Charlie

So small

This is my favorite photo of Charlie

Our last photo before our fire.

I feel like I'm a bench warmer. You know like one on a high school team that doesn't get to play much they just sit and watch everyone else "play".  That exactly how I feel in this journey of TTCing. I feel like I'm watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies.  I want it to be my turn. I know that is selfish to some people but that's how I feel.  I'm out again this month I got my period again this month 3 days early it was early last month too. Well I knew that we werent' pregnant this month beacuse we hadn't really tired.  But I still get so darn upset and discouraged when it shows up.  If you are trying to get pregnant you know how that feels.  I have all the christmas decorations and the tree up but I'm not sure I'm in the christmas spirit. All I want"wanted" for christmas, valentines day, easter, my upcoming 30th birthday is to be pregnant and have a baby.  But on the other hand my sister and I made ornaments with pictures on the inside she also helped me make a fleece blanket.  I also wanted to share some of our Christmas photos we had taken this year.  Hope you enjoy

Jeremy and I this is my favorite

Our little Family with Ollie and Minnie

Family Photo(L-R) (Amanda, Lil Eddie, Eddie, April, Me and Jeremy)

Lil Eddie

Lil Eddie and Minnie

My brother and his family(Amand, Eddie, and Lil Eddie)

Eddie thought that Ollie and Minnie needed food too

 

 

Our Christmas Tree

My sister in law Dianna pumpkin pie skills

I know I've been MIA for awhile.  I've been feeling to emotional to write. Not much on the baby front.   There has been a lot going on.  Things are changing and I don't like it not one bit.    I hope that everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving with lots of family, friends, and tons of food.  I also got a new camera I'm so excited to use it.  I made my second Thanksgiving here this year and invited my brother, Amanda(my sister-in law), Little Eddie, My sister April and her boyfriend Tommii. I made a turkey, sweet potato casserole, green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, homemade cranberry jelly and cranberry apple stuffing. We attended 3 other thanksgivng dinners as well, My brother had one, Jeremy's mom's and his grandmas. Let's just say I'm so over turkey.    Over black Friday I've gotten a bunch of people checked off my list. I also put up our Christmas decorations and the tree. I wasn't sure that I was actually going to put up one this year.  Here are some pictures from Thanksgiving.

I tried to post yesterday but I just couldn't. I've been so emotional this past few days/week.  Yesterday would have been my due date with our last baby that we had lost Lucy.  I feel like my faith is being tested and I'm an emotional wreck.  I really don't understand sometimes why these bad things have to happen. But I guess it to make us stronger.  I don't feel as strong sometimes.  I really don't understand why some people say that you have to save all this money for a baby I really don't think that you can totally be prepared but you will be able to provide a baby with what the need. Two loving parents, a home, warmth and god's love.  I'm praying that we get pregnant soon:) Yesterday was also a year since my uncle passed away. He was only 54 years young he had a long battle with diabetic problem, kidney and pancreas troubles as well.  I know that he isn't in pain anymore but it's still hard to know that he is not here.  Like I told my aunt a year ago he is watching my babies until I get there. On a lighter note Jeremy and I went to the Chris Tomlin concert.  We never been to a christian concert before. Let me tell you it was awesome one of the best concerts that I've ever been too.  At the concert we were told that if we went and bought tickets to the Casting Crowns/Matthew west show in Pittsburgh show you would get tickets for 19 bucks but the offer was only good for 48 hours so we are going for my early birthday present. Ugh I'll be 30 this coming April.

My Uncle Ed and I at my wedding

Chris Tomlin

Jeremy and I at the Concert this is a bad photo but it works