So I think I've been in a funk of late.  Last night was the kicker for me. I had a horrible dream but it was so real. So we were having a coming home party for our baby. But when we get there I look at the baby and she is dead. This dream was so real I woke up in tears and I was shaking and thought I was going to throw up. I've never had this dream before.  I really don't know what this means. I'm looking so forward to this surgery but now I'm just so scared. What if this is a sign that things aren't going to work out? I really don't know if I can put myself through that again. But this is something that I really want. I've always played with dolls and was a mommy to them. I want to be a mommy so bad.  What if this is not possible.  Then what? My hubby says that it's fine if this is something that we can't do but I'm not so sure. Have you ever wanted something so bad and it's just not happening? That is what I feel right now. I'm stressed, sad and beside myself. I think my faith is being tested. I know that god doesn't give you more that you can handle but I think I'm at my breaking point.

My hubby has been away for a training for his job since Sunday he won't be back until this coming Sunday.  I really miss him alot. I'm not use to being alone for this long.  So I've been spending the time that he is gone with my brother, sister-in-law and my nephew. I love spending time them but it gets me thinking what would my babies be doing right now? Who would they look like mommy or daddy? Would they like playing in the sand with their cousin or in the pool with him? It's been 15 months today since baby H has been gone...baby hauger has been gone for 10 months and 10 days. and Lucy has been gone for 3 months and 1 day.  I miss you all so much.  I wish that things could have gone different.  I'm hoping and praying that this surgery is going to help us.  I want to be a mommy.  I want to feel less broken..less useless..

I have so many things to write about today. Where do I begin.  Well we had our RE appointment on June 8. So I'm getting surgery on my uterus to reshape it and remove my vaginal septum. This will take place on Aug 2.  My doctor thinks that this will help us stay pregnant. I will also have to take a medicine to help with the FSH level if I test high again.  This is music to my ears. I'm super excited and scared all at the same time.  And then our journey to parenthood can hopefully begin.  Fingers crossed.  I had planted a Lilly for our babies( Baby H, Baby Hauger and Lucy) that we have lost. I was excited to see that it finally started to bloom this week.  This was so beautiful.  So some good news for me. I finally get my dad back. My mom left again(yes!!!!!) sorry if that hurts anyone's feelings. But that's how I feel. I'm going to see him tonight for the first time since last August.  I have all these feelings going on right now. 

Finally some positive answers

Yesterday was my appointment with the RE.  Well I'm going to have my septum removed and possible my uterus reshaped if he can. YAY!! Finally someone who is listening to me and wants to help us. So August 2nd is the day. Only if that day could get here sooner.  If my FSH level is still up the RE will give me a pill to take to correct it. So hopefully this is one step closer to me becoming a mommy and building our family. God is great. All of the other tests that we had done all came back normal so that's plus too. Finally so room to breathe for the time being. 

What If?

I have so many feelings right now.  Our appointment with the RE is tomorrow.  I keep thinking what is the doctor going to say? What if he says I'm sorry I can't help you? What if he says your not going to be able to be a mommy? I keep thinking and thinking and it's driving crazy. The what if's? To some people a what if doesn't bother them. THIS is really bothering me. And all I've been seeing lately are pregnant women and babies and families everywhere.  I'm really happy for all of my friends that are pregnant please don't take that the wrong way I really am happy. I WANT that. I mean more than I've ever wanted anything in my whole life. I think stress and I really don't get along.  When I'm stressed I cry. That's all I've been doing these last few days. God please give me the strength. Please help me get through the next day and get through what the RE is going to say. This is going to change our lives whatever he has to tell us.

Tonight my baby sister graduates high school.  I'm so very proud of her for the strong, wonderful, beautiful young woman that she has grown up to be. I love her more than she will know. I had written about dreading going to her graduation because of all the drama..Well I'm very stressed about going but I know that I have to go because it's her day it's not about me or anyone else. I'm not looking foward to seeing my so called "mother" sorry if that offends anyone. but she was never a real mother to any of us.  And some of things that she was saying to my sister  today is really uncalled for. I mean how could someone be so rude and demeaning to your own child. I feel so bad for my sister she doesn't need any of the drama.  I basically raise her and I told her lastnight if she is the only child that I "have" I'm so very proud of her. I'm really gonna need the tissues tonight.   I'm also stressing because our next RE appointment is coming up and I'm scared of what he is going to tell us. Please keep praying.