I had an appointment with our RE yesterday...I had an HSG done about 3 weeks ago. That was one of the most painful things I've ever had to go through.  If you have never had one done it to see if your tube or tubes are blocked.  In my case I had my one and only working tube removed in July when I had another eptopic  and emergency surgery for it.  So the result were what I feared. My left tube is blocked and attached to my body weird.  So my RE the only way that we could have our own baby would be IVF.  This makes me sad.  First off we really don't have the money to do this.  I would love to but its still not a guarantee that it would work anyways. After going through losing four babies already it's just something that I really don't think that I could do it again.   So we are focusing on our adoption fund and we are now finished with our trainings for the foster to adopt program.  But somehow I still feel like I'm useless. Like I'm holding my husband back from things that he now wants and things that he could be doing in his life.

So it's been a while since I've posted anything I have been a little busy. First off Jeremy's gram hasn't been doing so well with her health she has been in the hospital two times in the last two months. She was staying alone at her house which isn't a good thing because she doesn't care very good care of herself. So she has been staying with us. At times it can be hard she will be 92 in Nov and she is very independant but she has to remember that she can't do all the things that she use to, they took her drivers license away and she is very upset about it she says that now she can't do anything and is a burden to everyone. I tried to explain that we love her and I do not work every day and really don't mind taking her anywhere that she needs or wants to go. Grandma went to spend time with her daughter near Harrisburg last week. She is have fun which is good. I have talked about Jeremy and I possible doing foster care/foster to adopt in a post or two before. We sent in the start of the paper work to do that. It's exciting and scary at the same time. We are still doing fundraising for our infant adoption fund. It so encouraging to know that so many people are willing to help you out even if the do not know you. We have received several donations in the last month and got another one today. We still have a long way to go but it will be so worth it in the end. If you are interested in donating to our fund and want to share our facebook page its: Hauger's Bundle of Joy adoption fundraising all of our information is there.

I just wanted to update everyone. Since I went to get blood work on Saturday to see if the methotraxe shot was working. Instead of my levels going down they went up well in fact they doubled. Which they shouldn't be doing. I was also have some pain. So in the afternoon the doctor had called me to see how I was feeling etc. She told me if the pain got any worse to go to the hospital. SO I had been up all night with pain I finally decided to let Jeremy take me to the hospital. So we went to Magee and I more blood work and another ultra sound. The baby was getting bigger and if I didn't come in when I did my tube could have burst. So I had emergency surgery and they had to remove my only working tube that I have. I'm angry, sad, and allot more just not in the mood to explain more. I just can't put my head around this whole thing. Why me all I want is to be a mommy. I know the adoption funding is slow right now but I know it will happen just not as fast as I want it to. 

Heaven 4 Hauger's 0

The day of July 2 I got to see the most wonderful word I thought(and was told) that I would never get to see on my own PREGNANT. That's right I took 4 tests and they all said the same thing. YAY!!!! So I call our RE and told them I did it on own no shots and they were like WOW you aren's supposed to be able to do that. So I went for bloodwork and it all came back the same yes we were pregnant. So we agreed not to tell anyone about what was going on because of our track record. When I was pregnant before I always started out with bleeding and it got worse from there. Well this one was going fine no bleeding just the normal tired, bloated, ect ect. So I was made an appointment to get an ultrasound to make sure that the was a baby and everything was where. So this past Wednesday I was 6 weeks and 2 days. I went into the office and I was totally sick for the simple fact that everytime I go in for an ultrasound it never turns out well and I hate the question what pregnancy is this for you? This time I said 4 and then they want to know how many kids you have and I always have to say 0. So we finally got to go back and Jeremy wasn't allowed to go with me and I was so upset and then the tech said she would go get him when she was done getting her measurements done.  So I'm laying on the table and I knew something was wrong she wasn't saying anything. So she left and came back with jeremy.  The tech then says let me explain what is going on. She says I don't see anything in your uterus but I do see something behind it. We think that you have an ectopic pregnancy I just broke down how could this be happening again. NO not again. What am I doing wrong why I'm I being punished? So I had to have blood work done and I had to go down to the regular ultrasound. How cruel was that sure send me downstairs with ALL the pregnant women is the place. So they said the same thing the baby was behind my uterus. So I had to get the methotraxe shot again. I'm just so upset I don't want this to be happening again. So I have to go back on sat and Tues for blood work if my levels dont' go down I will have to have another shot or surgery. I just really don't understand I was told I couldn't get pregnant on my own with shots etc etc and when we were so focused on moving forward with adoption bam it happens.  so heaven 4 hauger's 0 

A new journey and a few other things...

So since I've posted last Jeremy and I have moved onto adoption. Yes adoption scary and wonderful all at the same time. We aren't signed with an agency yet. But we have been looking at a few and we have settled on one called Everlasting Adoption. They are based out of CA. The only thing is you have to have money up front after you sign the contract and get accepted. So we have been planning several fundraisers and I've been making chocolate covered pretzel rods, pretzels and oreo's. I've also been making wreaths and other crafts I'll post pics. We have also started a face book page Hauger's Bundle of Joy Adoption Fundraising. We also have some handmade jewelry for sale as well.  So on July 28th we will be having our first fundraiser hoping for a great turn out it will be a spaghetti dinner. I will also be having a bake/craft sale at our local hertiage days. I also want to have a basket party. I'm also planning a photo shoot fundraiser and a zumba thon with a local instructor . And on top of all that I've been selling Thirty-One and I love it I'm having so much fun and I'm getting parties and meeting new people.  On another note I'm enjoying having TWO nephews now. They are both so cute. I just can't wait to have my own to spoil.  I'm going to the Kenny Chesney concert this weekend with my sister-in law Dianna. I also have to start seeing my hematologist again. Grr I've been doing so good with my iron and blood count but again it's down. Please keep praying for us on our new journey

 

Noah and Lil Eddie

 

love,

It's been awhile since I've posted. I haven't been up to posting I've been sad, emotional, grumpy ect ect. Many things have happened my second nephew was born on April 30, 2012 @ 9:34 am. So that makes me an Aunt to two wonderful little boys. I'm excited but I'm jealous and sad at the sametime. I know that is not something that I'm proud of but it's how I feel I want it to be me. I want a baby I miss my babies. I hate mother's day grrr everyone saying happy mother's day and I have to say thanks and then the tears oh the tears there were many of them. I've also started to sell Thirty-One. All the money that I make from selling will go to our adoption fund.

                                                         Noah James

 

Both of my nephews Eddie and Noah

 

So I haven't posted since the update of getting the IUI done. Well I'm not pregnant really wish I could say that I was. I got my period on Thursday night/Friday morning.  I went today for my cycle day 4 blood work and ultrasound. Well I had to get stuck four times until we finally got blood both of my arms are already black and blue. I bruise very easy which sometimes always a good thing. So about 1:45 I got a call from the doctor's office. The nurse asked how I was and then she told me I have some bad new. My heart sank she told me that I can't start the shots that I reordered because I have two very large cysts on my right ovaries. She said rest this cycle and we can try again next cycle.  So store the shots in the fridge.  On to some other things. Easter was great we went to church. I made dinner for the first time for Jeremy's mom and step dad. We missed his sister since couldn't come home from school because of a test she had to study for.  I made a whole 15 pound ham, green bean casserole, homemade mac and cheese, rolls, scallop potatoes an apple pie and raspberry crisp with walnuts. After dinner we took the Easter basket we got for Little Eddie and I made on for our new nephew Noah who should be here anytime. Little Eddie was so excited. He had such a sugar rush from all the candy that we ate and boy was it good. 

Well the IUI went well painful but well. The doctor told me that my body responded to the Gonal-F shot very well. Since I have uterine didelhys I had 3 follicles on the left and 3 on the right side.  Since my left side is small and underdeveloped the did the IUI on the right side. We were told that is a good chance for multiples. WOW wouldn't that be something. We were told to wait 2 weeks to test. So again I'm on the 2WW. Oh how I dread that. But I'm hoping and praying that this time it will be worth it. So again prayers appreciated

One Year, Two Years and more

Where do I begin yesterday was a year since I lost Lucy the last time I was pregnant. How can a year go by so fast. Well it did and I can't change that, it will happen again and again. I went to the RE again yesterday got another round of blood work and another ultrasound. Both came back great. The nurse called and said no more Gonal-F shots and onto the Trigger shot.  When my order was delivered and I opened that box last week and saw the trigger shot needle I thought on no look at that needle. But when Jeremy gave me the shot it was just like the shots I've been getting all week.  So Saturday at 9 am is my IUI. I'm nervous, scared, and excited all at the same time. Just hoping and praying that this works.  So today is two years ago today that I lost Baby H.  Two years where did that time go? I can see you in my  mind with strawberry blonde curls and daddy's smile. Prayers appreciated :)

Just a little update the shots are going well. However I'm black and blue all over my belly. I went today for another round of blood work and an ultrasound. Both came back very good.  I have to get another shot tonight and go back tomorrow morning for an set of blood work. Since we are having and IUI done I'm guessing they will tell me when that is going to happen at tomorrows appointment. Also a little well not so little thing that happened today when I went to the RE I was told that I owed 1,700.00 for the IUI and I was shocked. Someone from the office was to call me and tell me that but they didn't so they are letting us pay in installments thank god. No all I need is some prayers that this is the cycle that it works.

Well the first shot wasn't that bad. The needles aren't that big which is good. I had to have Jeremy give me the shot. So we cleaned the area on my stomach and he loaded the pen with the serum and he was like you ready and I was pushing me and he like you can't do that hold onto the doorway.  So wham and it was done. It burned a bit but that is to be expected since the pen is kept in the fridge.  Plus the nurse that it's like that until it gets into the skin and my system.  So I guess its not all that bad.

Needles and Shots

Well our journey begins. By this I mean that we are starting our shots this cycle. I will be starting them tomorrow after I see the RE to have my day 4 blood work and an ultrasound.  I'm super nervous about this yes I have 2 tattoos and I'm very afraid of needles. The nurse told me that getting an IV hurts worse than what the shot are going to feel like. We go to choose between Follistim and Gonal-F. We did some research and chose to do Gonal-F. We got the pre filled pens. The UPS man delivered a giant box today. In the box was the a sharps  box, alcohol wipes, Gonal-F pens, a trigger shot, and progesterone suppositories and a DVD.  Now looking at all this stuff that I took out of the box I was like holy moly. I texted Jeremy a photo of all the stuff and all he said was that looks serious. I will have more to update as the week goes on. Here is a photo of what came out of the box! Prayers greatly appreciated

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I've been crying and crying because I got my period again. All I want is a baby and that's all I can think about and I mean all I think about.  I just really want it to be my turn and I actually get to bring a baby home. I just want to start a new chapter in my life. I see all of my friends and family with babies and toddlers and I want that. I little baby that has my hubby's eyes and smile and mommy's hair.  I just feel lost about this whole thing I mean I go to the doctor to start shots and I then something else is wrong it's like I can't win for losing.  I have people telling me it will happen don't worry but I am worrying. What if this is not meant for me.  Then what? How do I move on not being a mommy. I love being an aunt but its not the same.  It's the second best job in the world next to being a mommy.  Sorry for rambling

Well since my last post I have learned that my thyroid is acting up and I now have to take Synthroid. I have to take the pill in the morning with a full glass of water and I can't eat anything for at least 1/2 hr to 1 hr.  I so take Zantac for heartburn and I can't take that for 4 hours after I take the Synthroid.  Which is sometimes hard because I sometimes have heartburn all the time. Since my last post I talked about having to set up a conference call with my RE to go over results of my SHG and my blood work.  The call is set up for March 12 @1130.  I'm sad that I have to wait that long but I'm on a cancellation list just in case.  I will also have to wait to start my injections to since I started the synthroid.  That sucks!!!  I just want to start this next step. On another note we had a very nice Valentine's day dinner at Pepperwood Grille.  This has been our 13th Valentines day together and it just keeps getting better I love him more and more everyday I'm looking forward to many many more. 

I went for my SHG today.  I must say that I really do not like them and hopefully this will be the last one! Since I have uterine didelphys he has to inflate both sides of my uterus and let me tell you it hurts like hell. He said that everything looks great but he will have to go over it in detail.  I have to have a conference call with him to go over the results.  Then he will tell me the amount of injections that I will have to take.

My cycle started on Sunday so no positive test for us this time. So the start of my cycle means that I scheduled my SHG(Feb 2). Oh how I really dislike those.  We have also decided on which stimulate injection we are going to be taking. Gonal-F.  We have done some research and we like this one better.  I'm glad that I call the insurance company back if I use the speciality mail order pharmacy the injections are totally covered except for the $25 copay.  Thank god he had answered our prayers on that one because if we don't use the mail order pharmacy they aren't covered and we would have to pay out of pocket and that price is crazy. So with my next start of my next cycle which should be after valentines day I'll start poking myself not looking forward to that but if what I have to do I'll do it.

Well I'm breathing alot easier  tonight. I'm glad that I called my insurance company back this afternoon. It turns out that the inject able stimulate drugs that I will be put on soon are covered by the insurance if I send them to a speciality pharmacy. Praise god!!  Taking them will be only if I don't get a positive test next week. fingers crossed that I do. Have any of you taken Follistim or Gonal-F before? Please tell me what you think what you liked or didn't like about them. Any help would be great  Now if the inject ables do not work we will be onto IVF. Now that is something that isn't covered at all by the insurance.  So that's where we are in this next journey

Well my appointment on Jan 12 at the RE didn't go well at all. Yes I knew that we had talked about the whole shot thing. BUT I was really hoping that we wouldn't have to go down that road.  So I have to get another SHG. YUCK this is like my eighth one and they suck if you have ever had one you know.  Along with the SHG I have to start taking a pill called DHEA. My RE thinks that this pill will help with my ovarian reserve produce better, because it doesn't work hardly at all.  SO once my cycle starts I get the SHG, we decide which shot we want to take which will be Follistim or Gonal-F.  I'm still undecided which one we want to do.  Have any of you done any of these? Advice please? Then we will get a trigger shot as well.  I'm so lost and frustrated grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.   So thats where we are at this point. 

There are so many things that I want to write about.  So please bare with me.  The holidays were a world wind they sure went by so fast at least I thought so. Now its the new year already 2012.  We celebrated new years eve with family. We made lots of food and played some board games and also some just dance. If any of you have ever played just dance it a great workout.  I have just dance and just dance 2, I had gotten my sister just dance summer hits and it's a blast I recommend to try it if you haven't. I've spent the last week in going back and forth to the hospital. Jeremy's gram is there so I've been there with her for 8 hrs a day then home for about 1 hr and then back for another 4 or so hours. I'm so tired that is an understatement.  I also worked this weekend I haven't slept much at all so 16 hours of work with like 5 hours of sleep equals fail.  So after work today I was about to get about a 3 hour nap I feel better.  I partly feel that I haven't been sleeping do to stress and worrying.  I'm worried about Jeremy's gram. Plus I go back to the RE on thrusday. This is an appointment to talk about some ferlitly drugs. EEKKK. I'm so nevrous and scared all at the sametime. I'll update after the appointment.    I've been told that 2012 is going to "our" year.  I'm really starting to feel that it is. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers. 

Jeremy and I

Jeremy, Me and my brother

Lil Eddie found some cat ears

Sound alseep and so cute