Here are some of the fall photos we had taken that I promised to share enjoy

Pumpkins, Chicken nuggets, and Pjs

Eating chicken nuggets, mac and cheese and veggies

playing trucks with Uncle Jeremy

Grapes and Finding Nemo and Dino PJ's

Feeding the goats with Aunt Nannie

Feeding the goats with Uncle Jeremy

Does this pumpkin have candy Aunt Nannie

No candy

Happy 6th Bday Ollie

Playing in the Tub

Jeremy and I had gotten fall photos taken yesterday afternoon. When we get them back I will share a few. Also we got to spend the afternoon with Lil Eddie.  The weather was nice yesterday not raining for a change it was cool but not to bad, so we decided to go to the pumpkin patch. They had goats and cows. Eddie was so excited and had to say hi to everything.  He went through all the pumpkins and we let him choose he own which ever one is wanted big or small he chose a big one.  I can't wait until we can do this with our own little ones.  I'm trying to be patient and wait on god's plan but sometimes that easier said than done. If you have been through this you know what I mean.  Jeremy also changed his first diaper EVER last night and did a great job.  After the pumpkin patch we came home and I made dinner and Uncle Jeremy and Eddie played trucks, then we ate and it was tubby time then we attempted to watch finding nemo but he wouldn't sit still for very long.  I can't wait for my turn. Jeremy is taking me on a romantic date today and he won't tell me where we are going? Only time will tell where it is.  I'm excited.  It's also my fur baby Ollie's 6th birthday.   Time is share some photos from the day enjoy!

 Yesterday I hadn't been feeling to well. Well I was scheduled to work last night from 1030p-630am. I cooked dinner for Jeremy and I and then took a nap like I always do when I have to work overnight.  I slept for a few hours.  I got showered and dressed for work, packed some food and coffee which I really don't drink that often but I needed it. I  drove to work I was having some cramps but nothing major I just chalked that up to having my period.  I took some Midol before going into the building. I got all of liens passed and first rounds done at 1230.  I started to pass the extra things like wipes, fill up the soap etc. As I was doing this I got this pain in my right side it was the worst one I've felt.  I thought it would pass. But unfortunately it didn't I had to throw up.  Over the next 10 minutes the pain had travel into my stomach. I was doubled over in pain. I went outside to see if some fresh air would help. Wrong again.  I threw up again for the second time. I told the Nurse that was working and she took my temp and everything. She told me to go to the ER. So I called Jeremy and told him that I wasn't feeling well and I need to go to the ER.  So  I drove home the best I could. He came out of the house and drove me to the ER.  SO we get to the Er and the pain was so bad that I couldn't stand up straight. I got checked in and the nurse started an IV. OUCH!!  I was given and anti nausea medicine and some pain meds as well.  I waited and a few minutes later I was sent for a cat scan and a belly X-ray.  The doctor was thinking the pain was kidney stones. Well after about 45 minutes the result of the cat scan were back no kidney stones but I did have a cyst on my right ovary that was about to burst(which it did).  That is was the pain was and why I was vomiting.  So was sent home with some anti inflammatory meds  and some pain killers. It was about 530 when we got home.  I was still in a great amount of pain so I took some pain medicine and went to sleep.  I slept until about 215. Jeremy made me some food and I slept a bit more.  So now I just have to take it easy and take the anti inflammatory medicine and I should be feeling better in the next few days. So here is to resting and being taken care of for the next couple of days.

Well it's back to square one again....UGH!!! Well I got my period this month. I could just cry. I really want to be pregnant. This usually don't take us to long.  Our problem is staying pregnant. If you gone through this yourself it's something that you want even more.  Today would have been my due date with our first baby. Baby H should have been a year old today. Ugh that gets me.  Like I've said before it's the club that a woman or anyone really doesn't want to be a part of. But without this club I wouldn't have met the strong wonderful beautiful ladies that I'm so proud to know and call my friends I love you all. Thanks for being there for me and listing to me and helping me. I'm truely blessed to know you all. On another not. I really do not want to have to take that shots that our RE was telling us about to help with the pregnancy.  I want to be able to do this myself. I feel like I've been in a funk of sorts lately.  I think it's because I've been worrying about this whole baby thing. So the doctor's office called to see how I was doing. I love that office and the people who work there they are all so caring and just really nice. They want me to have  blood work again. They also suggested that we try OPK's this month and possible temping. I just really hope that a baby is in the plan soon.

I hate the waiting part of am I pregnant or not? This thing called the 2 week wait is crazy. If you gone through this you know what I mean. This actually drives me nuts the waiting and waiting. I just want my BFP. UGH!!!! I have pregnancy tests sitting in my bathroom cabinet and I feel like they are just calling my name. but I'm waiting until I'm late. IF I can control myself. On a different note we got to spend the evening last nite with our nephew. My brother and sister in law had a night alone to celebrate their anniversary.  He has gotten so talkative in the last couple of weeks its amazing. He has learned how to say please and thank you and lots of other things and Uncle Jeremy's name has gotten alot clearer. It's like having a conversation with him and he talks back. I also did something for myself today which I really don't do things like that alot other than my monthly pedicures. I dyed my hair I went back to my natural color which is red it's a little darker than I want but I'm hoping that it will fade out some.  I can't wait for my hubby to see it. I really hope that he likes it only time will tell.

After getting our greenlight to TTC this is what I saw yesterday another sign:)

Green light GO GO GO

So I went for my SHG today Oh the pain but it was worth it. The doctor was very happy with the way my surgery turned out and the healing as well.  In his words it's beautiful if I do say so myself. It was hard for me not to laugh. I love him he is totally great. Well the SHG turned out great too and everything is fine. AS for my FSH levels and blood work that I had done on cycle day 3 all came back normal Praise GOD he is great. So no drugs for now YAY that means no shots for now YAY!!! So in the short of things we get the green light to TTC. I'm super excited, scared and worried all at the same time. If we aren't pregnant by January we need to go back and talk about drugs and see what is next.  Also on another note I'm so excited for my friend she had her baby this morning  and he is perfect chubby cheeks and a redhead. I can't wait to meet him. I can't wait for our turn. All I have to say is GOD is good.

As Thursday gets closer and closer I'm having alot of anxiety. I'm going for my SHG hopefully the last one fingers crossed and we will get the result of my blood work that I had earlier this month considering my FSH level and my ovarian reserve. I'm praying for great results. Then we will know if we get the green light to TTC. I've been driving myself totally nuts worrying about this that I've actually gotten hives. Everyone is telling me that it will be fine but they just really don't get the whole thing unless you have been through what I have and other girls that I know. Unless you have experienced the loss of a baby in anyway you don't get it.  I belong to a club that nobody wants to be apart of.  But I'm so privileged to have the support of some wonderful people that know exactly how I feel and what I'm going through. I love you all for that. I really don't know where I would be without you.  You are all strong beautiful women.  I'll also be praying for one of my good friends and you know who you are as she gets induced tomorrow to have her rainbow baby. 

First of all I want to apologize to anyone if I offend you but I have to get this out. I've been trying to write this for two days now.   So where do I begin. We have game night every week with my brother and my sister in law. We switch houses and take turns making food. So this week it was at our house. So we are having dinner and my brother says to me your gonna be an aunt again(my mouth drops open). WHAT?? Of course I said congrats but inside I'm dying I actually wanted to run into the bathroom and cry and cry. So my SIL says I didn't want this I really didn't want anymore children. Now I'm thinking to myself as I'm looking at Jeremy how could she be saying this and we are going through what we are going through. She has no clue what it is like to be me and what babies and at this point(losing 3) and still no baby and you have a happy healthy little boy and one on the way how dare you. I mean if you really didn't want anymore kids then you should have used some form of birth control. Which they don't use anything. Well duh!! it will happen if you don't well for most people. I'm happy for them because I wanted another nephew or niece but at the same time I'm so jealous and just really do not know what else to say. I WANT a baby I WANT it to be MY TURN!!!!!  so on another note I went for hopefully my last blood work this morning after working an 8 hour night shift(yuck). I also scheduled my hopefully last SHG. So we shall see. Lots of prayers appreciated.   

A wonderful saturday with Little Eddie

Playing with the water table

Climbing the slide

Nap time

Putting on Uncle Jeremy's shoes

pretending his toy box is a car

See the bus

checking it out

Driving the bus

On this past Saturday I got to spend so quality (16 hours to be exact) time with my precious little nephew Eddie well he's not that little anymore. See my brother and his wife haven't done anything alone with each other I mean since he was about 8 months old and he will be 19 months this month. Where did the time go? I have enjoyed watching grow and learn new things. Since we had the whole day to spend together we made the best of it, we played outside since it was a nice hot day with the water table and the new slide that Aunt Nannie had gotten, went went to lunch, he took a nap(2hrs) which he doesn't do often for his mommy... after a nap he went outside again to play again.  Uncle Jeremy mowed the grass he was yelling and knocking on the window he wanted to go help mean while he had put jeremy's shoes on.  Eddie loves buses. So since Uncle Jeremy's uncle owns school buses we decided to take him to see one. Well when he saw the bus he said "Oh wow a bussie" that was he calls them.  SO cute. So we let him run up and down the isle of the bus, sit in the seats and even pretend to drive the bus(I'll share pics).  After seeing the buses went went to Jeremy's cousin's birthday party we had fun playing and eating cupcakes. Then it was time to come home we had dinner. While I was cooking he took all of his toys out of his box and climbed in and started making car noises.  Eddie got a bath and put into pj's went cuddled and watched scooby doo and with in about 10 mins he was asleep. After I put him in his little bed he has here I cleaned up the dinner dishes and showered myself. WOW what an exciting day. I could really get use to this. Now I'm just patiently well impatiently waiting for this to happen to me. We had another round of blood work yet and another SHG yuck then we get the green light so to speak. I can't wait. I keep reading about all the things that  are going on with all of my friend's pregnancies and I"m so happy for all of them but  I can't wait for it to be my turn. And to actually bring home a baby of our very own.

My post op appointment went well.  The doctor is very happy how I'm healing. I have to go back for another round of blood work to check my hormone levels. If they are still wacky then I will be put on injections to keep them level.  I also have to have another SHG and I can tell you that those aren't fun at all. So after all that is done we get the green light so to speak to try again. This is exciting and scary all at the sametime. I also get to go back to work tonight. I happy to get back to something normal.

Tomorrow is the day we go back for our check up since I've had the surgery. To tell you the truth I'm so scared. Scared in so many ways that I can't explain them all.  I afraid to get pregnant again but I want that so much it scares me for the simple fact is I really don't want to be let down again. I know that my doctor can't say this won't happen again. But that would be to simple. So wish me luck and I'll update more tomorrow

So Finally got out of the house today YAY!!! Well for the most part YAY my belly button site from the surgery was not looking so great lastnight so I call my doctor to ask what they wanted me to do? Well they said drive to pittsburg WHAT I live like and hour and forty-five mins from there so I asked if I could go around here and get it looked at. Well after a good cleaning with a very large q-tip I almost threw up on the nurse because it hurt so much it's confirmed infected so I'm now on a strong antibotic 3 times a day for the next week unless it doesn't look any better by Monday I have to go to pittsburg for sure. So cross you fingers for me that it looks better by then.  Then I went and got a much needed pedicure and lunch with my sister.

YAY!!! Surgery is over. Today is the first day that I could finally think clearly and starting to feel somewhat normal.  I'm starting to feel better which I hope is a good thing.  So the surgery it's self went great. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts it really means alot.  So for the surgery we had to be at the hospital at 7:15 am for prep. Well we sat and sat for what seemed to be forever they finally called me in. The first nurse that I had was super nice I really liked her. I was really nervous to begin with but she made me feel comfortable and calm. The she finished asking all the questions and then she says time for the IV. UGH!!! But then she says I have a numbing shot first and you won't feel a thing. And she was so right I didn't feel anything. Then all the other people came and went and we sat for about 45 mins and then my doctor came in to see us and talked about what we were gonna do.  I received a shot to relax me and I was wisked away to the OR. After a kiss from my hubby of course.  I remember going to the OR doors and sliding over onto the table after that I don't remember anything.  I was told that the septum was totally removed and I had some scarring on my right tube from the eptopic that was taken care of plus I uterine tissue on the outside of my uterus that he also repaired.  2 hours later I remember waking up(semi-awake) in recovery saying that I had to go to the bathroom. So the second nurse I had for the day comes over to the bed sets me up really fast rips all the cords off of me and rips me out of bed.  I started to vomit sorry TMI. She starts to yell at me and throws me back into bed and attaches everything again and say lay here we will have to go later since your sick. I mean come on it's not my fault.  So about an hour later I got another nurse he was really nice and he took me to the bathroom and into another part of the recovery. There I finally got to see Jeremy.  I was in this part for about another 1 and a half and then I was sent home.  I slept the car ride home until I had to go  to the bathroom we stopped at McDonalds in greensburg my sister had to help me I could hardly walk cause I was still totally out of it.  I went back to the car and slept and everyone else ate. About 20 mins later we had to stop again.  Then we were finally home I was beginng to feel really sore. I slept for the next 6 hours for some soup and more pain meds and went to sleep again. I did this until friday. Saturday we finally got out of the house yay!! well I'm still so sore but we are out. Sunday we went to dinner and got ice-cream.  I'm finally able to shower on my own but no driving until after I'm off the pain meds.  My nephew says Nannies boo is yucky. LOL leave it to him.  I won't know anything else until we go back on the 24th. The waiting is going to kill me.

Tomorrow is the day(underconstruction)

Well tomorrow is the day...I'm so overwhelmed, stressed, and very tired and extremely hungry. I'm not allowed to eat anything except for clear liquids.  I really just want to get this over with but I know that things will go just fine.  I really like my doctor and I have faith that he knows what he is doing and I'll be in good hands.  I'm just scared of being alseep that long he said that I could be out for 1-4 hours depending on how things go. And did I mention that I hate needles.  Yes I know I have tattoos but I really hate needles.  I keep saying that I really don't want to do this and my hubby keeps saying just think of the end result a precious little baby or two.  Yes that's what I want.  So I just need to make it through tomorrow and  heal and then we can work on that.  So now it's time to get some sleep

The little reminders

 

It's the little reminders that keep me sane somedays. I was weeding my flowerbed and saw this. 

Beach trip

Well we went to the beach and had a great time. We went with my brother and sister-in-law and my nephew. We had a blast. Until it was that I realized that I missed my babies. Spending all the time with my nephew for a week straight all day and all night listening to him say Nannie or my nannie that's what he calls me. I think its so sweet.  But when I was with him all week people kept say oh your baby is so beautiful but I had to keep saying thanks be he is my nephew.  This morning it was different waking up and not hearing Nannie up.  But it made think...What if?  I so badly want to here mommy. But that isn't in my cards at the moment. I get my surgery in 8 days hope this works for us.  I need this to work so badly. Enjoy the photos I have shared. Will update again soon:)

So it's 25 days until the surgery. I'm so excited and scared at the same time.  This is going to change alot this could be good or bad. I'm trying to stay positive  but sometimes that is hard for me to do.  Maybe I'll get some relaxation and some peaceful thinking next week when we go to the beach. The beach is one of my favorite places to be. You really don't have to think there you can just basically  be there. I have recently be see 3 little butterflies outside around my lilies almost everyday. This give me some peace as strange as that sounds.

So I think I've been in a funk of late.  Last night was the kicker for me. I had a horrible dream but it was so real. So we were having a coming home party for our baby. But when we get there I look at the baby and she is dead. This dream was so real I woke up in tears and I was shaking and thought I was going to throw up. I've never had this dream before.  I really don't know what this means. I'm looking so forward to this surgery but now I'm just so scared. What if this is a sign that things aren't going to work out? I really don't know if I can put myself through that again. But this is something that I really want. I've always played with dolls and was a mommy to them. I want to be a mommy so bad.  What if this is not possible.  Then what? My hubby says that it's fine if this is something that we can't do but I'm not so sure. Have you ever wanted something so bad and it's just not happening? That is what I feel right now. I'm stressed, sad and beside myself. I think my faith is being tested. I know that god doesn't give you more that you can handle but I think I'm at my breaking point.

My hubby has been away for a training for his job since Sunday he won't be back until this coming Sunday.  I really miss him alot. I'm not use to being alone for this long.  So I've been spending the time that he is gone with my brother, sister-in-law and my nephew. I love spending time them but it gets me thinking what would my babies be doing right now? Who would they look like mommy or daddy? Would they like playing in the sand with their cousin or in the pool with him? It's been 15 months today since baby H has been gone...baby hauger has been gone for 10 months and 10 days. and Lucy has been gone for 3 months and 1 day.  I miss you all so much.  I wish that things could have gone different.  I'm hoping and praying that this surgery is going to help us.  I want to be a mommy.  I want to feel less broken..less useless..